I was unsure what I wanted to talk about this morning. I was full of energy and motivation and was busy cleaning and tidying up the house. Then a very sweet little girl asked me to snuggle her. How could I resist such an offer? After a good snuggle Lulu and I ended up baking some bread and cookies together while Avary napped. It was a perfect morning with my little girl. It also gave me the inspiration for this post.
Last spring I struggled with depression. It was not the first time, but it was the worst. Everything seemed to make me angry or overwhelmed. I was always angry or on the verge of tears. For the first time I was not enjoying being a mommy.
It came at an especially bad time. I had had several months of pure mommy bliss prior. Everything had seemed to come so easy. The house ran smoothly, stayed clean, and was organized. I baked all our breads, snacks, and baked goods and cooked all our meals from scratch. The kids and I enjoyed several special activities each week, including planned outings and I had a daily schedule for them.
Oh how far I fell! Suddenly the house was a disaster zone and no amount of cleaning and organizing helped. The kids were constantly being loud and misbehaving- when they weren't busy fighting of course. I looked around me and just wanted to cry, or maybe scream depending on the day. What had happened?! I had lost my groove and I wanted it back!!
I still baked and cooked everything but not with the same ease and not as efficiently as before. Forget a daily schedule and planned outings. There was time for snuggles through the day, but that was about it. No story time, no art time. Frankly no patience to even attempt those things, or much else. I was lucky to make it though the day in one piece! I hated feeling so out of control.
I struggled through most of the summer, although not as badly because Trev had some vacation time and having him around 24/7 helped. I was able to accomplish things while he entertained the kids, and he really worked hard to try and help me around the house too. Around fall I began to feel better. Then at Christmas time I read something that gave me the final push I need. I don't remember where I saw it, but I saved it, and here it is:
Love stops the cooking to hug the child. Love sets aside the decorating to kiss the husband. Love is kind, though harried and tired. Love doesn't envy another's home that has coordinated Christmas china and table linens. Love doesn't yell at the kids to get out of the way, but is thankful they are there to be in the way. Love doesn't give only to those who are able to give in return but rejoices in giving to those who can't. Love bears all things, believes all things, hopes all things, and endures all things. Love never fails. Video games will break, pearl necklaces will be lost, golf clubs will rust, but giving the gift of love will endure. "And now these three remain: faith, hope and love. But the greatest of these is love."
Of course you can subtract the vague Christmas references and you still have a very true and beautiful paragraph. To be honest I teared up a bit when I read it. The basis of that paragraph is 1Corinthians 13:1-13. How many times had I read those verses? I love that passage so much it was even part of my wedding vows. However I had never quite read it like that. When you substitute all those day to day things in, that passage hit me hard. I teared up and was very convicted that I was NOT being the mother I could be, or the mother I wanted to be.
I was spending so much time trying to fix all the little things. If only I could get the house running perfectly again, or as de-cluttered and organized as it had been before. If only I could get back that "super mommy" appearance and be organized, put together, and be, well....perfect.
One problem. I'm human. I'm not perfect, nor can I ever be perfect. I can however, be the best mommy I can be for my children. I can be the most loving, kind, attentive and supportive mother I am capable of being. I can be the mom my kids deserve.
This was a very freeing realization. I'm not saying that everything else can just be ignored. Not at all. My children deserve a clean and safe environment, and good healthy food. They deserve educational activities and special outings. If I just focus on being their mommy and loving them, and ask God for patience and wisdom, the rest will fall into place.
These last couple weeks have been anything but perfect. Lucy and Avary have had colds, Jake has been very whiny and the house has been far from perfect. On the positive side, there has been a good healthy meal every night, and the house has been "clean" despite being a little messy with toys and odds and ends out of place. The kids and I have enjoyed lots of special time together and there has been lots of love, joy and laughter in our home.
Here are a few of my favorite moments from the last couple weeks:
Avary and Lucy playing the morning Avary started to feel better.
Jake loving on his best doggy friend Nikki.
Lucy and I baking together this morning.
Yes, she is sticky and covered in baking ingredients, but we were having fun :) She is laughing here and trying to take my picture while I take hers.
Avary being silly with mommy and daddy.
My handsome little man again.
Big snuggle fest this morning. Last night was a rough night and big stuff ended up snuggling mommy most of the night. Looks like gingerbread decided to join in too :)
I hope this week, and every week, your home and your family is full of fun, love and special moments too!
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