Caught up.

Life is a constant growing process. Or at least it should be. Experiences, situations, relationships, they all force us to mature and learn new lessons. However, it is so easy to slide back. To revert to old habits and forget the lessons we have learned and the changes we have made. This is a struggle I am currently having.

The choices we have made in our family have called for some tightening of our belts sort to speak. Having three children and living on one income demands some good budgeting and a little big of frugal behaviour. This is something I have gotten very good at. Recently this is something I have been struggling with.

I'm not quite sure why staying on budget has become so hard. For some reason it has. The little things that use to come so easy and help save money seem to be escaping me. I have suddenly become caught up in commercialism, which just happens to be something I hate!

The society we live in is one focused on ease. We want to make everything simple, save time and put forth minimum effort. I have always taken pride in doing things the "old fashioned" way. Knowing I am providing my family with homemade and handmade items.

For anyone who has ever doubted the savings in doing it yourself, let me assure you, there is savings! I have been making all our baked goods and treats for over a year now. Recently I have been buying about half of those items. I have also been buying more pre-packaged items. Our grocery bill has almost doubled!!

I have also missed the feeling of accomplishment and pride from providing my family with wholesome homemade food and handmade, quality items. I really need to kick myself back into gear and get organized. I miss being little miss homemakerand that's not a line I thought I would ever say ;)

Why am I so lazy?!

Well, the title says it all. WHY am I SO lazy?!?! Seriously! Why can't I get off my large butt (which is getting larger by the moment) and get some freaking exercise? I have zero motivation, ZERO! I'm getting increasingly fed up with myself.

After being up ALL night with two sick kids Thursday night, I managed to clean the whole house on Friday. I swept and scrubbed the floors, I cleaned the bathroom, washed/sanitized all our bedding, re-made beds, tidied up, folded and put away laundry, wiped down the kitchen and did dishes. All this while taking care of our three children and having some cuddle and playtime with them.

The week before I did my fall cleaning. In one day I rearranged and gutted out the girls bedroom, washed the walls in Jakes room and the bathroom, washed down all the appliances and cupboards/vanities. I sorted through closets and scrubbed down the bathtub, washed heaters, cleaned windows (the whole window, not just the glass) scrubbed floors, washed doors, washed more walls, rearranged our kitchen and dusted. I decluttered problem areas and found things to donate as well as the day to day chores. All that in one day!!

I can manage to make, from scratch, all my families baked goods, even down to granola and granola bars! My husband always has a nice hot lunch, from leftovers I have made. Also my children always have healthy snacks available from fruits and veggies I keep cut up in perfect snack sizes.

I say this all this not to toot my own horn, but because it baffles me! It baffles me how I can put so much effort and energy into running my home, and caring for my family, but I cannot manage to get off my lazy butt and go for a walk. Seriously. I WANT to lose weight, I WANT to be healthy. So where is all that energy and motivation when I need it?

Now this might come as a surprise to some of you, and it's no secret to others, but my house use to be a MESS. A total disaster. A little over a year a go I did not have my stuff together. My floors got swept a couple times a week, my bathroom got cleaned like once every couple months, my floors mopped about every month and so on. It's so embarrassing to even think about that now. I felt very overwhelmed by it all. I knew where I wanted to be, what I wanted my house to look like, but I had no clue how to get there.

That is sort of how I feel about this whole weight issue. HOW do I get to where I want to be? I see in my mind a vision of who I want to be. What I want to look like. Let me just say that I have had three children, so I'm not expecting perfection here! I just want to be a healthy weight and have a more slender and toned body. I want to feel confidant and pretty when I get dressed to go somewhere. I want to enjoy shopping again! I want to have energy. I want to have style. Heck I want to feel my age, not twice my age.

So what's the whole point of this post? To try and motivate myself! For the first few months after I decided to work on my house keeping skills I stayed on track by writing what I did each day on my fb status to stay accountable. If I'm having days where I don't feel like doing much I go back to that. It keeps me motivated. The other thing that keeps me going is remembering WHY I decided to work hard to keep my home clean. That was/is because my family deserves a clean and safe environment to live in. My family is after all, the most important thing in my life, second only to God.

I'm hoping to give myself the push I need by applying the same principals to losing weight and getting healthy. If it worked once, I'm counting on it working again! I need to hold myself accountable, and I need to remember this is as much for my family as it is for myself. My children and my husband deserve to have a healthy and active mommy/ wife. More then that, they deserve a happy me. Plus I want to model a healthy body image for my children, especially my girls!

If I can manage to become a good house keeper and improve my house from it's former state, I should be able to transform my health and body the same way. I need to clean out the inside, decluttering my diet and pantry of junk as I go. I need to do the daily up keep required to maintain a clean and healthy diet and invest the time in exercise to work on getting to where I want to be. I CAN do this. More then that I NEED to do this. After all, I have three young children whose eating habits and activity levels I'm moulding. This is for my health, and for theirs!

Isn't love amazing?

This past Saturday was our 5th wedding anniversary. I have been really excited about it. I figured, what the heck, I'll be mushy and write a post about it! After all, 5 years is really the first "big" land mark of a marriage (If you can survive the first couple years! :P) This is the story about how God saved our marriage and by his grace, how we made it to our 5th anniversary!

Five years a go......Trevor and I were a couple of kids, with a kid. We thought we were really mature, had everything figured out, and our wedding day was just the start to our "happily ever after". Boy were we wrong.

The first couple years were rough. We fought about everything. Yes, everything. The dishes, his parents, my parents, whose turn it was to change the latest poopy diaper, who's turn it was to feed the dog.. You know, EVERYTHING! We were two very selfish kids putting our needs only second to our sons. We did not care to put our spouse first. Neither of us ever wanted to buck up and be the bigger person.

Suddenly all those "charming traits" we had both possessed prior to saying "I do" were not so charming anymore. Him not putting his dishes in the dishwasher, my "cute" quick temper, all suddenly not so cute. Realizing that we had a life time to have to deal with all these traits made them seem unbearable.

Eventually all the little day to day stresses led to bigger and bigger fights. Less communication led to more distance and more distance led to less and less love. We had now reached our breaking point. Who wanted to be 21 and 22 and stuck in a cold, loveless marriage? The years began to stretch on and on before us. So, we did what the world perceives to be "normal". If you are unhappy at a job, you quit. If you don't like a situation, you remove yourself. If your unhappy in a relationship.....you break it off.

That was it. Our marriage was over. He didn't love me, not the way you love someone your going to spend forever with and I didn't love him like that either. With this choice made things only got worse. He had his friends and his life and I had mine. If we were not talking about our son, we were not talking. As soon as we got our living situation figured out, we were going out separate ways.

That was our plan, but it wasn't Gods. It was a very normal day, we had to go to file our income tax, and on the drive we did something highly unusual for us during that time. We started to talk. No fighting, just talking. Not really about anything important at first. Then slowly the conversation led to us. Before too long we both began to talk about where we were at in our marriage and how we had gotten there. Something shifted in our hearts. Little stirrings of the love that use to be there. We decided right then and there that we were not going to be another statistic. We were not going to do this the worlds way, we were going to do it Gods way.

I'm not going to lie to you and claim that from that moment forward everything was perfect. That is not what happened next. What DID happen next could only be the work of God. We slowly began to rediscover what we loved about the other person. We started to put the other person first, their needs and wants above our own. We fell in love all over again, but a very different kind of love. This was not a love that wanted to change the other person. Not a selfish love. Not a conditional love. This was a love that could have only come from God.

It's been three years since God restored our marriage. Every day has not been perfect. All our memories are not sunshine and roses. Our happily ever after is NOT what we imagined it to be. It's better. You see, I'm not a perfect person. My husband is not a perfect person. Two imperfect people cannot have a perfect marriage. However, if said two people have God, the perfect being, at the center of their union, their marriage can be beautiful, loving, strong and blessed.

As long as we keep God at the center of our marriage we can overcome ANYTHING and EVERYTHING that comes our way. God wants our marriage to work. He took something very broken and turned it into something beautiful. He loves us and wants to bless us. I am very thankful that he loves us and very thankful for what he has done in our marriage, and in our lives.

I pray that you all remember to put him front and center in your lives, and in your relationships. I promise you will not be disappointed.

How much sacrifice is too much?

How much sacrifice is too much? As women we often put ourselves last. The kids come first, then our hubbies, then our home, then the pets, our extended family, our friends....and on and on. Everyone and everything in our lives come before us. People talk about this as though it is normal, as though it is the way it's suppose to be. "When your a mom, your life is no longer your own" how often have we herd that? or "A mothers work is never finished" or herd a woman say "someday when the kids are grown, I'll have time for myself".

We call it selflessness. We talk about it as though it's expected, and as though it's just part of being a woman, and a mom. Is it though? It is really healthy for us to always be last on the list? Our wants and needs and dreams all tossed to the back burner in hopes that SOMEDAY, we can have time for them.

I know, I know, how DARE I actually talk about this. It's so taboo, I must be a bad mom, I'm being selfish....Or am I? I have to admit, I DO put everyone before myself. I am guilty of this. I make a yummy snack from yesterdays leftovers, I've been craving it all day. I just finish and go sit down to eat it. Little hands suddenly appear in my food. I hear "mommy, nummy's!!" and another little person saying "Mom I want that". I heave an inward sigh and bid goodbye to my yummy snack. Of course I hand it over because that's what moms do.

It's the end of the day and I'm played out. I sit down and put my feet up, turn on a show I want to watch and bring up my e-mail for a quick check. My hubby or a kiddo walk in and suddenly the sound of music that could only come from a kids show, or the loud sounds of an action movie invade my peace. I sit there quietly and do a mental change of plans because I don't want to make them miss something they want to see.

By this point I bet you all are grinning that knowing grin, because, lets face it, you can all relate!!! You've all made plans, only to cancel because the kids are cranky and you feel awful leaving your husband to handle the evening and bedtime alone (even though you managed with cranky kids all day by yourself!). You've all given up the last bite of your yummy dessert. You've all straightened up the house so your family can enjoy a clean home instead of soaking in a hot tub after the kids are in bed. But really...are we doing anyone a favor?

Upon thinking about it, I've come to the conclusion that it's certainly an injustice NOT a favor we are doing to our kids. By being so "selfless" toward them, we are teaching them that they always get what they want. In the real world they need to know that things cannot always go their way. They do NOT always get what they want.

How many of us have feelings of resentment or anger toward our husbands? Maybe some of you are thinking "not me, my marriage is great". Really? Is it? Okay, what about when your husband leaves dirty dishes sitting on the counter? Or when he throws his wet towel on the floor? How about when he watches the kids so you can have some time for yourself and you come home to a house that's totally wrecked? It's those small things that plant those feelings of resentment and anger. Because as women we tend to keep those things inside and just do what needs done, those feelings build and build until they explode. Then we have a huge fight with our husbands. NOT helpful for a marriage. Again, no favors done.

Now, what about ourselves (again, we are last on the list!)? We are exhausted, frumpy, stressed, worn out, overloaded, over worked and if you stripped away our "titles" (mother, wife, daughter, friend etc), most of us would be empty voids. Do we have hobbies? Interests? Opinions about more then what to feed a two year old, or how to handle a preschooler with a bad attitude? I know I don't. I have no clue what is happening in the world at large, I often don't know the date, and if I'm leaving the house in something that only has a minor stain and manage to have some mascara on, I'm doing good.

My point? Motherhood is awesome. Rewarding. Important. But it cannot consume us. Our husbands need us, but we need them too. It's OK to ask for help, and even to EXPECT it. They are our partners in life. We are important. We are worthy. We are beautiful, strong, intelligent people with needs and wants and dreams.

We need to think twice before, in an act of "selflessness" we hand over that last portion of dessert, or turn over the TV, or stay up late cleaning instead of soaking in a tub and enjoying a novel. We don't always need to be on the bottom of the list. It's OK to be at the top. In fact, it's essential that sometimes we are.

Simplifying

When I discovered I was pregnant with Avary I went on a mission. Our house was cluttered and my skills/effort at keeping it clean were moderate at best. I knew I had to improve. I knew I had to simplify our lives by removing the clutter and excess "stuff". So began my journey.

In the first few months of my pregnancy I removed 6 bags of stuff I deemed garbage, donated about 4 bags and threw out several large items. Then I began looking for ways to better organize our things we had left that were not stored neatly.

Next, I began forming habits and routines for myself and Trev and the kids that would help keep our home clean and clutter free. I'm happy to report our home has been clean and clutter free now for just over half a year! It has made an amazing difference in our lives having a clean and clutter free home! We are all more relaxed and happier.

That made me think, if I can do it, if I clean out our home (because I never thought I could master having a clean and organized home) and it make's such a huge difference, what other areas could benefit from a big cleaning and organizing?

So I moved on to our eating habits. We were never awful when it came to that department, but when you look at all the little things like snacking and all the pre-packaged things you "have" to use, it really and truly adds up. So I started cooking and baking and cutting out those bad things. We now only eat homemade bread, muffins, cookies, granola bars, granola, waffles, and many other things.

We cut out almost all dairy and Trev has the occasional meat, but the rest of us don't eat it. We have fruit for snacks and I make cookies every few weeks. What a difference it has made! Not only for our health and energy, but also for our grocery bill! It is so much less now! I also get a sense of pride and satisfaction in knowing that I've prepared good healthy food for my family.

This brings me to my latest venture. My big "I can't" project. My weight. If I can become a clean and organized person when it comes to my home, and I can be organized and focused enough to provide healthy wholesome food from scratch, then why can I not put some time and energy into me?! If the rest of my family, and our home is important enough to have my time and effort, shouldn't I be too? What's stopping me from losing the baby weight I gained with our son 5 years a go?

I pondered that and concluded the answer was me. It's easier to keep doing what I'm doing and make excuses then to actually try and change...but wait...that's not true. It wasn't so hard to change my habits when it came to keeping a clean house. It wasn't so hard to change my habits when it came to eating better. It can't really be that hard to lose weight if i put my mind to it, now can it?

I needed a reason though. I wanted to clean out and organize our home so we would have more room when the baby came. I wanted to eat healthier for, well, our health, and I wanted to make more things from scratch to help save money on our grocery bill. So WHY did I want to lose weight. Obviously "Just to look better" wasn't cutting it. It hadn't motivated me enough for the last 5 years. Then my thoughts went to my kids. My babies. They need their mommy to be here, and to be healthy.

Being overweight puts me at risk for so many more health concerns/conditions. Is a bag of chips really worth precious years with my kids? When I looked at it that way the answer was simple. No. NEVER! I want to be here with them for many many many more years. Years in which I'm healthy enough to be active in their lives.

Avary was born and I was off! Our better eating habits came into play and were very helpful. Now came the hard part. Will power. Not buying that bag of chips my body told me I wanted on our usual "snack night". Not having a portion that I knew was too big. Not snacking all day. You know what? All that has been much easier then before thanks to my new reason, my children.

To date I am down 22 lbs (10 of that was what I had gained from this last pregnancy). I have 17 more lbs to go and I will have reached my goal! I need to tighten up my stomach a little, but I am feeling great and actually enjoying getting dressed in the morning!

Everything I am accomplishing, the clean house, the better eating, losing weight, it's all making me feel very empowered and showing me that I really can do anything, I really can be the person I want to be. I just have to put my mind to it and stop making lame excuses. If I fall of the wagon occasionally, and don't have the best day with eating, or cleaning or don't lose a pound for a several days, that's ok. A minor set back is fine as long as I don't let it become a habit.

All these new habits are making our life a lot more simple. A lot happier. They are proving to benefit us in so many ways! It's so amazing how cutting out all the unnecessary junk that clutters up our life we can become less stressed, happier and healthier! You know what? All these changes are proving to be pretty easy, it's all about the right attitude and having a will to change!

I'm just NOT doing it :)

I have decided that this year I am not making a resolution. Lets face it, a resolution is just something we figure we SHOULD be working on, but don't really want too. The only reason we generally dub it as a resolution is because be need something to tell people when they ask what ours is.

I think true change happens when no one is looking, when we least expect it. In my personal experience, any time true change has happened, it hasn't started on a special date. I have just decided one day that I have had enough and something's gotta give. More importantly it never happens as a result of anything I do on my own.

As I look back over the last year I have realized I'm on a journey to self improvement. Or rather God and I are on a journey to improving me. I have no special list of things to change, no big master plan, no map to get me there. I have a general idea of my character flaws I feel need to be resolved, and a blurry picture of who I want to be. I'm sure God has a much clearer path laid out and I'm just waiting for him to reveal it. The thing is if I limit myself to only improving certain things, think of all the things I might not notice! Think of all the things God would not be able to do in my life!

This year I have finally gotten being a homemaker down. I have good routines and habits that are keeping our home clean and clutter free. I have a great deal more peace and happiness in my life as a result. This is something I have tried to resolve on my own MANY times, always to no avail. However this time I worked at it, and I prayed about it. And yes, I do believe God has helped me achieve success in this area. After all we are told that God cares about EVERYTHING, even my stress over a messy house. I still want to work on my patience and my tendency to be a little (or a lot) bossy, and my relationship with God, just to name a few.

I have no time line. I figure as the Lord decides I'm ready he will guide me toward the thing that needs improved most at that time, the thing I'm truly ready to work on and change. Perhaps it will be something I hadn't even considered as being a problem. I've always made my life about ME, and what "I" can do, what "I" can handle. The more I give myself over to God, the more blessed I am becoming, and the more inner peace I have. The more God is able to mould me and use me. After all that is the point isn't it? To be servants of God, to be a witness and an example of his love, mercy and forgiveness and a voice to those who have not yet had the pleasure of getting to know him.

So my only wish this year is this; may everything I do be to the glory of God. May I be open to what HE feels I need to change and to becoming the person HE needs and wants me to be. May a simply be still and know what he is God.

A different kind of life

As parents I think it is safe to say we all want a different life for our children, a better life. For some that might mean more money, more toys, a nicer home, or more opportunities. While I want my children to have all their needs met and even a few of their wants, when I think of a different and better life, that is not where my mind goes.

I want my children to be better people. Different people. "A people set apart", as the bible calls us to be. I want them to have characters after Gods and hearts so big they can't help but care for those around them. I want them to have a desire to serve others, one that aches in their very core and has to be answered. I want them to be content with what they have. To be thankful for it. I what them to be good, God fearing people. Honourable people. "Not of this world".

I don't want them to be caught up in the latest trend in video games or the newest action figure. I don't want them to be obsessed with having every new gadget or toy out there. I don't want them to judge others on what they may or may not have. I want them to understand there are things in this life that are so much more important.

This means that we have a lot of work to do. Trev and I are only two of the people they come in contact with. Two voices they hear, two examples they see. There are so many outside influences'. Classmates, teachers, doctors, friends, aunts and uncles, grandparents, television, music and on and on. Sometimes I feel like I'm fighting an uphill battle. Sometimes I feel like throwing up my hands and giving up. Some days I don't know where to start, which new habit or trait to address first. It seems for every step I make in the right direction there are 3 other influences' pulling them back.

The thing is - this is it. This is the time in their lives when their characters and thoughts and actions and personalities are forming. The habits they make now are the most important. While people can change later in life, it is a lot harder to do then just starting out as a certain type of person.

Anyone who has struggled with weight, or addiction, or a character flaw of any kind will tell you that it was a very hard thing to overcome. Once the habit is set it takes a lot of will and desire to change. Unfortunately sometimes if the person does manage to make the changes, and become that person they strive to be, their old habits pull them backward. They revert back to that old person. That person they desperately do not wish to be.

So how can I as a mother influence my children to be selfless, not materialistic, kind, loving, caring, good, intelligent people who love God with their whole heart and want to serve him? How can I accomplish all that when society is trying to make them into the exact opposite? I can't. There is no way that I, as one person can win out over all the other influences' in their lives. Not even Trev and I together can win this never ending battle. Thankfully I know someone bigger. Someone more powerful then all those outside influences'.

The beauty of having a loving, caring, faithful God is that we are never alone. We never have to do anything alone. Especially those impossible feats. We have a Lord and saviour who not only WILL help us, but who WANTS to help us. He wants everything for my children that I do. He wants to help me win the never ending battle, and raise my children to be "a people set apart". He wants them to have a different and better life.

"If the Lord is for me, who can be against me?" (Romans 8:31). I couldn't say it better. This is such a comfort! On days when I feel like the world is winning, like my kids are being yanked in a million wrong directions and like I just can't stop it, I can remember this verse and feel at peace. God wants a different and a better life for my children. God is on MY side! My God is with me, who can be against me?