How much sacrifice is too much? As women we often put ourselves last. The kids come first, then our hubbies, then our home, then the pets, our extended family, our friends....and on and on. Everyone and everything in our lives come before us. People talk about this as though it is normal, as though it is the way it's suppose to be. "When your a mom, your life is no longer your own" how often have we herd that? or "A mothers work is never finished" or herd a woman say "someday when the kids are grown, I'll have time for myself".
We call it selflessness. We talk about it as though it's expected, and as though it's just part of being a woman, and a mom. Is it though? It is really healthy for us to always be last on the list? Our wants and needs and dreams all tossed to the back burner in hopes that SOMEDAY, we can have time for them.
I know, I know, how DARE I actually talk about this. It's so taboo, I must be a bad mom, I'm being selfish....Or am I? I have to admit, I DO put everyone before myself. I am guilty of this. I make a yummy snack from yesterdays leftovers, I've been craving it all day. I just finish and go sit down to eat it. Little hands suddenly appear in my food. I hear "mommy, nummy's!!" and another little person saying "Mom I want that". I heave an inward sigh and bid goodbye to my yummy snack. Of course I hand it over because that's what moms do.
It's the end of the day and I'm played out. I sit down and put my feet up, turn on a show I want to watch and bring up my e-mail for a quick check. My hubby or a kiddo walk in and suddenly the sound of music that could only come from a kids show, or the loud sounds of an action movie invade my peace. I sit there quietly and do a mental change of plans because I don't want to make them miss something they want to see.
By this point I bet you all are grinning that knowing grin, because, lets face it, you can all relate!!! You've all made plans, only to cancel because the kids are cranky and you feel awful leaving your husband to handle the evening and bedtime alone (even though you managed with cranky kids all day by yourself!). You've all given up the last bite of your yummy dessert. You've all straightened up the house so your family can enjoy a clean home instead of soaking in a hot tub after the kids are in bed. But really...are we doing anyone a favor?
Upon thinking about it, I've come to the conclusion that it's certainly an injustice NOT a favor we are doing to our kids. By being so "selfless" toward them, we are teaching them that they always get what they want. In the real world they need to know that things cannot always go their way. They do NOT always get what they want.
How many of us have feelings of resentment or anger toward our husbands? Maybe some of you are thinking "not me, my marriage is great". Really? Is it? Okay, what about when your husband leaves dirty dishes sitting on the counter? Or when he throws his wet towel on the floor? How about when he watches the kids so you can have some time for yourself and you come home to a house that's totally wrecked? It's those small things that plant those feelings of resentment and anger. Because as women we tend to keep those things inside and just do what needs done, those feelings build and build until they explode. Then we have a huge fight with our husbands. NOT helpful for a marriage. Again, no favors done.
Now, what about ourselves (again, we are last on the list!)? We are exhausted, frumpy, stressed, worn out, overloaded, over worked and if you stripped away our "titles" (mother, wife, daughter, friend etc), most of us would be empty voids. Do we have hobbies? Interests? Opinions about more then what to feed a two year old, or how to handle a preschooler with a bad attitude? I know I don't. I have no clue what is happening in the world at large, I often don't know the date, and if I'm leaving the house in something that only has a minor stain and manage to have some mascara on, I'm doing good.
My point? Motherhood is awesome. Rewarding. Important. But it cannot consume us. Our husbands need us, but we need them too. It's OK to ask for help, and even to EXPECT it. They are our partners in life. We are important. We are worthy. We are beautiful, strong, intelligent people with needs and wants and dreams.
We need to think twice before, in an act of "selflessness" we hand over that last portion of dessert, or turn over the TV, or stay up late cleaning instead of soaking in a tub and enjoying a novel. We don't always need to be on the bottom of the list. It's OK to be at the top. In fact, it's essential that sometimes we are.
